Documented Idiocy .......Volume II

Ten Thirty a.m., January 29, 2008

The Corner of Clark and Halsted

Dude A converses with Dude B:


Dude A: "Terry, what am I going to do about the ice by the front door?"

Dude B: " Uh, I don't know, shovel it? Maybe?"

Dude A: "Dude, it's like, attached to the sidewalk. Someone almost broke thier neck smoking outside last night. "

Dude B: "Well, that's what they get for smoking."

Dude A: "Hey man, don't get all shitty about the smoking thing again, ok?"

Dude B: "No, wait. If you're so fucking addicted that you drag your sorry ass outside in the freezing cold to take days off your life, that's what you get."

Dude A: "Oh, right. Sorry. I forgot you're the Surgeon General. Your compassion is overwhelming."

Dude B: "Remember last year how you thought the Surgeon General was a real general from the Army? That was so funny when Corey called you out."

Dude A: "Fuck you. I still don't know what I'm going to do about the ice in front. What if I dumped a bucket of scalding hot water out there? That would work, right?"

Dude B: "Are you joking?"

Dude A: "No."

Dude B: "You're going to take a bucket of hot water and dump it in front of the bar? That's what you're going to do? "

Dude A: "Yeah, it'll melt the ice. And I don't have to throw my back out shoveling."

Dude B: "Do me a favor. When you go and dump a giant bucket of water in front of the bar today, can you call me like an hour after you do it? I want to know exactly how many people slip and break thier necks or seriously hurt themselves after you do that. "

Dude A: "No one's going to hurt themselves. It'll melt the ice. "

Dude B: "I seriously hope you never have kids. I hope that you never accidentally knock up some broad. Because that's the only way you would have kids. You would have to accidentally get some chick pregnant. Because no woman in thier right mind would look at you and say "I want to procreate with this fine specimen." No one. I am telling you that now. "

Dude A: "Why do you have to be such a prick?"

Documented Idiocy .......Volume 1

8:45 a.m.
Brown Line Train Southbound
January 4, 2008
Woman on cell phone:

"Huh. Yeah, I mean that's a tough one. That's a really tough one. I mean, I don't really know how to answer that. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I am not talking about this with you again. It's so like, last week. Because like, he's not going to call you if you threw up on his bed after you guys had sex. He's not. No, he won't. No, he won't. No. No. No. I know that you like him, but you really shouldn't have had sex with him or threw up on his bed. You could have done one, or the other. Not both. Uh, well, Kailtin I don't know what else to say. Well, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my god, there was this guy on the train who just got off and he smelled like crap. He was like, Middle Eastern or whatever. He had on one of those shirts that look like pajamas, you know what I mean. No, there all like, long and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's probably going to drive his cab all day or something. (incessant laughing). Oh my god. Do you want to get Potbelly's for lunch? I want Potbelly's. I want Potbellys........I want.........Potbelly's. It's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ok, I'm going to get off the train now. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Have you heard about Britney? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. They like, said something about it on the news but then kept all talking about Barak Obama or whatever. I know. I know. I know. I know. It sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ok. ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. K. Byeeee."

From Belmont to Washington and Wells, Kids.